


It Is His Secret

by InnerSpectrum



Series: February 2021 Johnlock Prompt Challenge [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, February 2021 Johnlock Prompt Challenge, Post-Episode: s03e02 The Sign of Three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:54:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29135889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InnerSpectrum/pseuds/InnerSpectrum
Summary: It's the late hours after Sherlock left John and Mary's wedding and he is now more alone than ever...
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes & John Watson
Series: February 2021 Johnlock Prompt Challenge [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138172
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38
Collections: February 2021 Johnlock prompt challenge from ohlooktheresabee





	It Is His Secret

**Author's Note:**

> For the February 2021 Johnlock Prompt Challenge from ohlooktheresabee. Prompt: Secret

He comes home hours later and looks at the full bottle of whiskey on the shelf.

He picks it up.

He puts it back.

He’s by himself, who would know? Who would care? It would be his secret.

He had followed John and Mary to Heathrow and watched the happy newlyweds be – _happy_.

They didn’t see him. It was his secret.

He no longer had the distraction of being the best friend/wedding coordinator. No longer caught in the whirlwind of faking happiness as each day brought John and Mary closer and closer to their joy and him closer and closer to his misery. That was his secret.

He had drank as he watched them at the airport. It wasn’t enough to numb him. 

He’s alone, and it’s not protecting him.

He looks at the bottle and knows it will not be enough.

He contemplates his hidden drugs. It would be his secret.

He goes to his bedroom. He ignores the fake loose floor board, left there for the nosy people to look when a need for the occasional drug bust arises. He pulls it the kit from its true hidden place. 

He preps his arms.

He preps the heroin. It's been years, but it's all muscle memory.

He holds the syringe in his hand, then places the point on his vein.

Feels the familiar prick as it effortlessly into his pale skin.

All he has to do is push the plunger...

“Sherlock Holmes, what in the _HELL_ are you doing?!”

John’s angry disappointed voice is so clear in his mind he spun around to look at the bedroom door in expectation of the doctor being there.

It’s that disappointment in the imagined voice that stays his hand. Because he knows how it would disappoint John.

And that’s something he can not do. Not to John. Not even now.

He drops the syringe to the floor, crushes it under his heel and kicks the shards away in bitter anguish.

Hands in his hair he pulls it roughly, desperate to feel any other kind of pain than the one in his heart.

Because it _hurts!_ it is his secret.

The problem with secrets is that it’s no longer a secret once you tell someone. Who could he possibly speak to of this heartache he’s not supposed to have? 

Molly?

He saw how while everyone else watched the newlyweds dance she watched him. Say what she will about having moved on, anyone with two eyes knows the doppelganger to whom she's engaged is a pauper's substitute of a prince. He would not have turned to her breaking her heart further even if she were not. 

Greg?

He knows Greg knows. He has caught the sorrow in the detective inspector's when Greg doesn't thinks he has noticed. It is a shared but different sorrow because there is a spark of hope in Greg's own secret for another... 

Mycroft.

Mycroft who knew he was falling madly in love with John Watson before he knew himself.

Mycroft who knows that he remains madly in love with John Watson even now.

He has never said a word to his brother, nor has his brother ever said a direct word to him. Still, Mycroft knows him better than anyone. He had known Mycroft telling him _caring is not an advantage, Sherlock_ was not just an idle statement on the condition that afflicts most humans. It was a subtle warning to him not to care for John. Even so, they both knew that by then it was already too late. 

It is Mycroft’s secret to pretend not to know what he does about his younger brother’s heart.

Just as he pretends not to know of his older brother’s secretly growing feelings for Gregory Lestrade; feelings that were just as secretly returned.

Feelings that he knows will likely never be returned to him from Dr. John _Mr. Not Gay_ Watson, the ecstatically happy newlywed and soon-to-be father; now flying off on a sex holiday with his new spouse.

A spouse that everyone but John seems to know should have been named Sherlock Holmes.

He feels like he cannot breathe and roughly pulls the tie from around his neck. He shoves it in his trouser pocket with one hand as the other claws at the top buttons seemingly press harder on his larynx. He falls to his knees and takes great gulps of air into lungs that cannot seem to get enough oxygen for the weight of the crushed between them.

He goes back into the living room picks up the bottle. The sound as the seal begins to crack is shockingly loud in its siren call.

He stops and stares at the bottle he has yet to fully open. He cannot bear to be in Baker Street a moment longer. Not even to drink.

He does the only logical thing that makes sense to him.

The only thing he can do when the inexplicable in the world needs explaining; even to a mind like his. 

He puts the bottle back on the shelf, grabs his coat and scarf and heads to his brother’s house. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a precursor to what happens when Sherlock reaches Mycroft's place in [_The Mistakes of the Unspoken_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22867468)


End file.
